Why Men Don’t Go to Counseling (And Why They Will Benefit if They Do)
- Curtis Taylor
- Dec 8
- 4 min read
There’s something we don’t talk about enough in the counseling world, even though everyone sees it:
Most counselors are women. Most counseling clients are women.
And back when I was just a counseling intern, my supervisor and friend Jermaine said something that has lived in my mind ever since:
“Men don’t go to counseling. Women go to counseling. A man goes to counseling if a woman is making him.”
It made me laugh then. Now, after years of sitting with hundreds of clients, I understand exactly what he meant.
And it makes me think of that moment in When Harry Met Sally when Harry confidently announces that men and women can't just be friends, and Sally looks him dead in the eye and says, “Of course they can.”
So here’s my modern twist on that:
Can a man willingly go to counseling on his own terms? Of course he can. Does he usually do it? No.
And the real question is: Why not?
Men and Women Aren’t Experiencing the Same World
One of the simplest, most robust findings in psychological research is this:
Men tend to be more interested in things.
Women tend to be more interested in people.
This doesn’t mean men can’t be relational or women can’t be technical. It’s simply a broad pattern that shapes how people notice, interpret, and respond to life.
If you zoom way out, this explains a lot:
Why women initiate most breakups
Why women request counseling far more than men
Why men often say, “Everything’s fine,” while their spouse is quietly sinking
Why communication breakdowns rarely feel mutual
Why a woman tends to feel the relationship drifting before the man even notices the tide is changing
This isn’t about blame or stereotypes—it’s about recognition. Different wiring creates different blind spots.
And blind spots are often what bring couples into my office.
What Happens When Men Go to Counseling
Here’s something else I’ve seen over and over—women will often wish their husband would go to counseling. Not just for couples work. Sometimes they want him in individual therapy, too.
And some men genuinely do it. They show up. They sit down. They want to help the relationship.
But inside the session?
Something funny often happens.
They start talking about:
how the boss showed up late to the job site
the new mud tires they ordered
the project they finished at work
the state of the truck, the yard, the schedule, the weather
And I’ve asked men—gently, humor fully—“Do you think your wife would want us talking about this… or something else?”
They’ll give a nervous laugh and say: “Yeah… probably something else.”
But they still don’t always pivot. Not at first.
Why?
Because for so many men, the surface-level story is the emotional story. It’s how they track the day. It’s how they gauge safety and stability. It’s how they decide if life is okay.
Their inner monologue sounds like:
Slept ✔️
Coffee ✔️
Work ✔️
Truck started ✔️
No major disasters ✔️
Dinner ✔️
Bed ✔️
From that perspective, everything is good.
Meanwhile, their spouse is experiencing:
emotional patterns
tone and body language
relational disconnection
communication breakdowns
unmet needs
subtle ruptures
stress buildup
worry that “we’re drifting”
No wonder they show up to counseling talking about the tires.
His dashboard says all systems are functioning. Her dashboard is lighting up like a Christmas tree.
Neither Side Is Wrong — They’re Just Different
This is where counseling becomes powerful:
It’s not about convincing men to “be more like women,” or telling women they’re “overthinking.”
It’s about teaching people to understand what they aren’t naturally tracking.
Men often need someone to help them:
slow down
notice internal signals
name emotions they were never taught to recognize
unpack the stories they tell themselves
connect dots between stress, behavior, and relationships
Women often need someone to help them:
understand why he seems calm even when the relationship is struggling
realize he’s not ignoring them on purpose—he may literally not know how to tune in
see that emotional vocabulary is a skill, not a personality trait
communicate needs in a way that matches how he processes information
This isn’t about right or wrong. It’s about learning each other's operating systems.
Many Men Weren’t Taught How to Use Counseling
That’s really the heart of the issue.
Women, generally speaking, grow up talking, reflecting, noticing emotions, and connecting relational dots. They come into counseling already fluent in the language of inner life.
Many men grow up with:
“Handle it.”
“You’re fine.”
“Don't make it a big deal.”
“Just get it done.”
So of course they enter therapy talking about work. That's where their emotional vocabulary lives.
But once men learn how to go deeper? They become some of the strongest, most courageous clients I have.
Men are incredible at doing the work once they know what the work is.
So Why Does This Matter?
Because we are in a moment where:
men are struggling silently
women are carrying emotional weight alone
couples are drifting
families are stressed
communication is mismatched
society is louder but connection is thinner
Counseling—good counseling—helps bridge that gap.
Not by shaming either gender.
But by remembering something deeply human:
Everyone wants to be understood. Not everyone knows how to be understood. That’s the work.
A Final Word
Whether you are a man, a woman, or somewhere else on the spectrum—whether you grew up emotionally fluent or emotionally shut down—whether you’re the one asking for counseling or the one being dragged into it—
There is nothing weak about learning yourself. There is nothing unmanly about healing. There is nothing shameful about wanting better relationships.
And the moment men learn that counseling isn’t about fixing them—but freeing them—everything changes.