When Marriage Feels Like It’s Running Backwards: How to Rebuild Trust and Communication
- Curtis Taylor
- Aug 27
- 4 min read
Most couples can remember how it felt at the beginning: you met, conversations flowed, you wanted to spend more time together. Dating turned into deeper commitment. As you discovered each other’s values and boundaries, trust grew. Eventually, commitment solidified, and physical intimacy became a natural fruit of that closeness.
That’s the upward climb of courtship — step by step toward safety, belonging, and love.
The Reverse Courtship
But years into marriage, many couples feel like they’re moving in reverse. I call this the Reverse Courtship.
Intimacy dries up — physically or emotionally.
Commitment starts to feel shaky.
Trust gets punctured by neglect, secrets, or resentment.
Shared values blur under life’s stress.
Conversations shrink down to logistics, arguments, or silence.
The very staircase that once carried you closer now feels like it’s sliding out from under your feet.
Why the Points Game Fails
Here’s the kicker: most men don’t walk into counseling on their own. As one of my early mentors, Jermaine, used to say, “Women go to counseling. Men go to counseling if a woman’s making him.”
By the time many husbands arrive, it’s not because they woke up thinking, “I should work on my blind spots.” It’s because the pain in the marriage has gotten too loud for their wives to carry alone.
That often means men start the repair journey already “behind on points.”
She’s counting the times he missed, dropped, or ignored.
He’s counting the times she criticized, dismissed, or moved the goalpost.
Both are convinced the math is unfair — and both are right. Because in marriage, the points game is unwinnable. The only way forward is to stop playing it.
The Hidden Inner Dialogues
Neither partner is wrong for feeling the way they do.
Wives’ inner dialogue often sounds like:“Why do I have to carry this alone? Why do I have to ask for the things that should come naturally? Do I even matter to him anymore?”
Husbands’ inner dialogue often sounds like:“I’m working, providing, doing what I thought a good man was supposed to do — why am I being treated like I’m failing? Why is nothing I do ever enough?”
Both feel their position is unfair. Both are tired. And both are scared — scared it won’t get better, scared honesty will only make things worse, scared the relationship they once trusted might not hold.
Those fears are valid, but they don’t have to be the end of the story.
“We Need to Work on Our Communication”
In nearly every couple session, I hear: “We need to work on our communication.”
They’re right — but often without realizing what that really means. At the heart of that phrase is a plea to rebuild trust and safety. It’s a cry for intimacy — not just in words, but in presence, care, and touch.
Notice this: in the Reverse Courtship, the very first step to crumble is often talking. So when couples say they need better communication, they’re really asking: “Can we learn how to talk to each other again?”
A Light Spot of Truth to Rebuild Trust and Communication
On the sitcom Home Improvement, Tim’s neighbor Wilson once said: “A woman enters a marriage hoping the man will change, and a man enters a marriage hoping the woman never will.”
There’s truth in that tension. Wives may carry frustration when their husbands’ blind spots don’t budge, while husbands feel confused or defensive when their wives grow, evolve, or raise new expectations. That mismatch often sits beneath the surface when couples say they have “communication problems.”
What We’re Really Searching For
Pastor Tim Keller wrote:
“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved — that’s what we’re all searching for.”
That’s the longing at the center of every marriage: to be fully known and still loved. This is at the heart of the longing to rebuild trust and communication.
Four Steps Forward
Rebuilding a marriage after trust has been damaged is a lot like recovery. There will be setbacks. There may be relapses. But a relapse doesn’t erase the progress you’ve made. You don’t start back at zero; you continue from where you are, with the work you’ve already put in.
The path forward can be remembered in four steps:
Acknowledge what happened, what hurt, and what’s been missing.
Atone by taking responsibility and making amends, not excuses.
Align around shared values, vision, and what matters most now.
Anchor new behaviors into daily life until they feel steady.
The Climb Back Up
It won’t be comfortable. It will feel awkward at first. But that discomfort is not failure — it’s the sign you’re trying something new, something that can actually heal.
Divorce, at its core, is often less about wanting to end the family and more about wanting to end the pain. If both partners are willing, that pain can end without ending the marriage.
You climbed those steps once before. You can climb them again — even if right now it feels like the staircase is running backwards.
Ready to Rebuild?
If your marriage feels stuck in reverse, know you don’t have to climb alone. At Authentic Wellness & Empowerment, we help couples move from distance and frustration back to safety, trust, and connection.
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