Beyond Enablers and Exploiters: The Power of Empowerers

That’s me in the front of the canoe and my friend Andy in the back, launching into a 120-mile journey down the Allegheny River. We had more determination than experience — gripping the paddles awkwardly and zig-zagging so much we probably paddled twice the distance. Out ahead in his kayak was our science teacher, Mr. Jim Potocki, modeling the way forward and empowering us to grow through the challenge rather than shielding us from it.

We’ve all heard someone described as an enabler. We’ve all witnessed an exploiter — the person who takes more than they give, who manipulates, uses, or controls. These words are common in our conversations about relationships, workplaces, and communities because dysfunction is easy to spot once you know what it looks like.

But there’s a third role — one that shapes lives and cultures just as profoundly — and we rarely talk about it. It’s the role that healthy parents, wise teachers, courageous leaders, and effective counselors embody. It’s the role that transforms families, friendships, teams, and even entire communities.

It’s the role of the empowerer.

The fact that we don’t even use that word often says a lot about the culture we live in. We have sharp language for dysfunction, but we don’t have much vocabulary for the forces that build people up. It’s time to change that — because if we want healthier relationships, stronger communities, and a deeper sense of belonging, we need to talk about what it means to empower.

What Empowerment Really Means

Empowerment is one of those words that gets tossed around a lot, but often without much depth. It’s not about giving someone power they don’t have. It’s not about rescuing, fixing, or controlling. And it’s definitely not about doing the hard work for them.

At its core, empowerment is the process of increasing a person’s capacity, clarity, and courage to make intentional choices — and to act on those choices in ways that align with their values, respect their dignity, and improve their life and relationships.

Here’s one of the most overlooked truths: empowerment expands your options. It opens doors that enabling and exploitation quietly close. Exploitation limits your choices by trapping you inside someone else’s agenda. Enabling limits your growth by keeping you dependent or unprepared. Empowerment, by contrast, builds your ability to choose — not just once, but again and again, in more meaningful, life-shaping ways.

Empowerment isn’t about removing discomfort. It’s about transforming discomfort into growth. It’s not about protecting someone from every challenge; it’s about preparing them to meet challenges with strength and purpose.

And it’s deeply relational. While empowerment begins within — in how we see ourselves and the choices we make — it’s sustained and strengthened in relationships and communities that challenge without controlling, support without rescuing, and believe without enabling. Empowerers don’t take over someone’s journey. They walk beside them, help them see the path more clearly, and equip them to walk it with strength and purpose.

The Truth I Had to Learn the Hard Way

I wish I could say I understood all of this early in life — but I didn’t.

For a long time, my main goal was simple: never feel uncomfortable. That was the mission. If I could avoid the awkward conversation, the risky decision, the uncertain leap, I figured I’d be safe. Protected. At peace.

But guess what? It was uncomfortable.

Avoiding challenges left me restless. Regretting the ones I did accept when the going got tough left me ashamed. And the ones I didn’t even try for — the chances I walked away from, the prizes I never gave myself the chance to win — those haunted me the most.

It took me years to realize that my avoidance wasn’t laziness or weakness. It was protection. Parts of me — shaped by old wounds, early experiences, and the patterns of my personality — were trying to keep me safe. They wanted to shield me from pain, difficulty, and failure. They wanted to spare me from the sting of disappointment before it could even reach me.

But here’s the catch: the same parts that protect us can also paralyze us.

The Parts That Hold Us Back

Trauma doesn’t just leave scars — it rewires our expectations. It teaches parts of us to equate “familiar” with “safe,” even when familiar isn’t healthy. It teaches us that stepping forward might be dangerous, so we shrink back. It whispers: “Stay small and you’ll stay safe.”

Drama patterns keep us stuck, too. In the drama triangle — victim, rescuer, persecutor — we replay roles over and over, even when they hurt us. The victim part of us believes we’re powerless. The rescuer part of us feels responsible for fixing everyone else. The persecutor part lashes out or self-sabotages to stay in control. And around and around we go, mistaking the chaos for normal life.

Even our personalities — the traits and tendencies that shape how we interact with the world — can become hiding places. A cautious person might mistake fear for wisdom. A helper might confuse enabling with compassion. A perfectionist might avoid risk because “not trying” feels safer than failing.

Empowerment asks us to notice those parts, thank them for their service, and then gently but firmly step beyond them. It’s not about waging war against ourselves. It’s about integrating those protective instincts into a larger story — one where fear doesn’t get to drive the bus. One where trauma doesn’t get to write the next chapter. One where we stop enabling our own stuckness and start building the strength to move forward.

The Three Pillars of Empowerment, the Power of Empowerers

When we talk about empowerment in a real, lasting way, we’re talking about three interlocking elements:

1. Clarity – Seeing ourselves and our situation honestly. That means naming reality without denial or distortion. It means understanding our patterns, our triggers, our strengths, and our opportunities. Clarity isn’t always comfortable — but it’s always freeing.

2. Capacity – Building the skills and resources we need to act. This includes emotional regulation, communication, boundaries, problem-solving, and resilience. It’s the part of empowerment that turns “I wish” into “I can.”

3. Courage – Choosing to act, even when it’s hard. Courage doesn’t mean we stop being afraid. It means we stop letting fear be the deciding factor. It’s the bridge between knowing and doing.

   
   

Without clarity, we’re lost. Without capacity, we’re overwhelmed. Without courage, we’re stuck. But when all three work together, empowerment becomes possible — and transformation begins.

Learning to Steer — and the Power of Someone Who Believes in You

There’s a photo from my past that says more about empowerment than any textbook ever could.

It’s me in the front of a canoe, gripping the paddle awkwardly, with my friend Andy behind me. We were about to launch into a 120-mile river trip down the Allegheny — two teenagers fueled by determination and curiosity, but not much else. Our technique was clumsy, our grip wasn’t quite right, and steering?

Let’s just say that 120 miles probably turned into closer to 240 with all the zig-zagging we did across that river.

And somewhere “behind” us — though he was quickly paddling far out ahead — was our science teacher, Mr. Jim Potocki, in his kayak.

We had plenty of critics. People said it was too ambitious, too risky, too unrealistic. And maybe they were right — if all we had were our inexperience. But Mr. Potocki didn’t join the chorus of doubt — he joined the journey. He didn’t take over the paddling or steer our canoe for us. He didn’t shame us for not knowing how to hold the paddle or how to stay straight. Instead, he empowered us by believing we could learn, by showing up to support us, and by modeling the way forward as he sliced through the water ahead.

That moment — awkward, uncertain, full of zig-zags — is what empowerment looks like in real life. It’s not about waiting until you’re “ready.” It’s about believing that readiness is something you become through the doing. Empowerers understand that even if you start off zig-zagging across the water, you can still reach your destination. They know that confidence is built through mistakes, that mastery is forged in motion, and that the journey itself is the teacher.

Enablers, Exploiters, and Empowerers

Now that we understand what empowerment is, let’s talk about the roles that either block it or build it.

Enablers remove consequences and shield people from discomfort in ways that ultimately keep them stuck. Their actions often come from love or fear, but they prevent growth.

• A parent who pays their adult child’s bills instead of helping them build financial skills.

• A leader who avoids addressing toxic behavior to “keep the peace.”

Enabling feels kind in the moment, but it trades short-term comfort for long-term stagnation.

Exploiters, on the other hand, manipulate and control for their own gain. They’re not trying to protect — they’re trying to profit.

• A partner who guilt-trips someone into staying in an unhealthy relationship.

• A system that benefits from people staying sick, dependent, or afraid.

Exploitation is empowerment’s opposite. It’s not about helping someone carry their load; it’s about piling more weight on top of them.

And then there are empowerers.

Empowerers offer support without removing responsibility. They challenge people to grow instead of cushioning them from discomfort. They build capacity, confidence, and clarity — even when it’s uncomfortable.

• A teacher who lets a student struggle through a problem instead of giving the answer — and celebrates the breakthrough.

• A friend who lovingly speaks the truth instead of enabling denial.

• A counselor who refuses to play lifeguard but becomes a swim coach.

  
  

Empowerers see who you are and who you’re capable of becoming. They stand beside you, not above you. They help you rise without carrying you. They care about your comfort, but they care even more about your growth.

Building a Culture of Empowerment

Imagine if our families, schools, workplaces, and communities started measuring success not by how much we enabled or how much we extracted, but by how much we empowered. Imagine if we praised people not just for being “nice” or “strong,” but for helping others find their own strength.

What would happen if we stopped protecting people from their potential and started preparing them to reach it?

Empowerment changes everything. It changes how we parent, how we teach, how we lead, how we counsel, how we love. It changes how we talk to ourselves. It shifts our focus from comfort to capacity, from control to collaboration, from fear to freedom.

Because here’s the truth: the future doesn’t belong to enablers or exploiters. It belongs to empowerers — the ones who help people see clearly, grow boldly, and act intentionally. The ones who believe that people are capable of more than their trauma, more than their patterns, more than their past.

And the most powerful part? Anyone can become an empowerer — starting with how you treat yourself.

When you stop enabling your own avoidance, when you stop exploiting your own energy for other people’s approval, when you start building clarity, capacity, and courage within — you stop living as the person who’s always reacting and start becoming the person who’s creating.

Empowerment isn’t just something we give. It’s something we practice. It’s something we become.

So this week, ask yourself: Where am I enabling instead of empowering? Where am I exploiting — even unintentionally — someone else’s energy or my own? And where can I step more fully into the role of empowerer?

That’s where the change begins — in us, and through us.